Capitaan dildo arrescate!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
