U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize