My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
