I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
