dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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