She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
