Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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