pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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