She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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