Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
