if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
why do cheetos always look like penises
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
