All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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