I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
