I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
