i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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