She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
