Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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