Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
