this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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