If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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