Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
