areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
