why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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