I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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