come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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