so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We just shotgunned beers for America
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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