Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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