Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
