I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
And then he peed in my hair
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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