I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
