i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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