please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sober January is a disaster.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
