Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
