don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
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