Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
