Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
