so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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