Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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