I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
True strength comes from lack of pants
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