i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
