And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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