I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
