We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
