I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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