Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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