so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just want to make out with him forever
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
