Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
