Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
