I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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