you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
