Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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