I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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