the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
