im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
