I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
