A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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