You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She even gives head with a lisp.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
