I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
