I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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