The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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