I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
