well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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