I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
