so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
