What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
