Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
