I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
