you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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