my being single is dangerous.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
